A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. 
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.' 
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
When Jock  moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained  Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
This story is allegedly true. The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)

AD 'You say you went to your friends house that night. Why did you go?there?'

WITNESS 'Tae get a tap.'

AD 'Is your friend a plumber?'


AD 'Are you a plumber?'


The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.

Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

AD 'So you went to the house to borrow money?'


AD 'Ah. You went to the house to lend money?'


In exasperation the AD says, 'You told the court you went to your friend's? house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?'.

WITNESS ......'A Sellick tap.
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"

"I believe" says Faddy "you're sitting in my seat."
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England , says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland , says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the job.
A  plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. 
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to bealert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes inbottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by femalesexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to gohome and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, menwill often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life'ssavings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim tothis "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter withsimilarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Wee Hamish attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rumps, and chests. After a few minutes, wee Hamish asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to be certain they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Looking worried, Hamish said, "Dad, I think the Parcel Force guy wants to buy Mom."
Wee Hamish' kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most-wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want very badly to capture him."

Wee Hamish asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make certain they understood the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said , "He's in heaven."

Mary was called upon and answered, "He's in my heart."

Wee Hamish, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked wee Hamish how he knew this.

Wee Hamish said, "Well, every morning, Daddy gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ! are you still in there?"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, wee Hamish stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Hamish?"

"No, Ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Wee Hamish watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful." said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked wee Hamish. "Giving up?"
The math teacher noticed wee Hamish wasn't paying attention in class. She called upon him and asked, " Hamish! What are 9 and 6 and 5 and 38?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "FOX, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network."
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much for a tooth extraction.
Eighty-five pounds, sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och, have ye nay got anything cheaper," replies the Scot.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction," said the dentist.

"Er, what aboot if ye nay use any anesthetic," asks the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for 70 pounds."

The Scotsman scratches his chin a while.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one o' yer dentist trainees and still without anesthetic ?"

The dentist replied, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it will certainly be a lot more painful. However, in that case I could bring the price down to 40 pounds."

"Och, tha's still a tad too much for me purse. I'll tell yer what, man. How aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction without anesthetic and the other students standin' aroond watchin' and learnin', " said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Errr, well, OK," said the dentist. " It'll be good for the students I suppose. Under those circumstances, I think I could bring the price down to just ten pounds."

"Now yer talkin' laddie. It's a deal","said the Scot. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday...?"
Auld Jock had been a religious man all his life. When rushed into hospital his family called a preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Jock's condition appeared to worsen and he motioned frantically for something to write on. He was lovingly handed a pen and paper and Jock used his last gasp of energy to scribble a note which he handed to the preacher and then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at the time and placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy he realised that he was wearing the same jacket as he had at the hospital.

He said "You know, Auld Jock handed me a wee note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Auld Jock I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all"

He opened the note and read out loud "Hi minister. Yer staundin oan ma oxygen"
MacTavish was out working the field when a barnstormer landed. "I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot. "Sorry, cannae afford it," replied MacTavish.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10." So up they went and the

pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare MacTavish. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said,

"Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!" "Aye," said MacTavish, "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".
A Scotsman was invited to attend a celebration. As the distance to his home was not far, he had walked through the wooded acres separating his property from that where the celebration was taking place.

The event had started early in the day and proceeded long into the night. As was his habit, the Scotsman had joined in every toast offered.

On the walk home in the early hours before dawn, he decided to sit a spell, leaning against a tree. As one might expect, sleep soon overtook him.

There were some wood-nymphs in this area of the woods. Two of the wood-nymphs were out and about where the Scotsman decided to rest.

The wood-nymphs had wondered about the statement that a 'true Scotsman' wears nothing under his kilt. They decided that they would find out!

Gently lifting the edge of the Scotsman's kilt, they discovered that the tale was true! A Scotsman wears nothing under his kilt.

The wood-nymphs felt bad about invading the Scotsman's privacy and decided to leave him a sign that they had been there. One took a blue satin ribbon from her hair and tied it around the Scotsman's 'family jewels'.

At sunrise, when the Scotsman awoke, he felt the typical urge to relieve himself. As he lifted his kilt, he noticed the blue ribbon. Looking down in amazement, he said aloud, "I don't recall what we did last night, laddie, but we won first place!!"
A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."
Teacher: “Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.”

Wee Jocky (a typical Glasgow nyaff) thinks, “Ya dancer! Ah’m puredead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come oan the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.”

Teacher: “Right class, who can tell me who said, ‘Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. “Yes Jeremy?”

Jeremy (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy, inauguration speech 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes round and wee Jocky is even more determined.

Tacher: “Who said, ‘We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender’?”

Wee Jocky’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.”

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: “Yes Timothy?”

Timothy (in a very, very posh English accent): “Yes Miss. The answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes round and wee Jocky is hyper. He’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes. He’s coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: “Who said ‘ One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?”

Wee Jocky’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, “Me Miss. Me Miss. I know. I know. Me Miss. Me Miss. Meeeee.”

Teacher looking round picks Rupert, sitting at the front. “Yes Rupert?”

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): “Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: “Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk over and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, “Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?”

Teacher looking round the class: “Who said that?”

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,

“Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday!”
Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae."

"Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."

Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds."

"Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."

Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!"

"**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."

Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP."

"Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."
The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking.
‘Please don’t speak to me,’ said the minister. ‘You’re drunk.’
‘Drunk?’ replied the Scot. ‘You’re worse than me — you’ve got your collar on back to front.'
It was like this,’ said Donald. ‘I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.’
‘What did you tell her?’
‘Try and hit something cheap!’
Jock wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jock sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jock looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jock asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed...........

'Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!'

Broken furniture £85.26
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Red Rose bud £3.00
Two Aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless...
A Scottish farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, despite the best efforts of his ram, and so he phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, being a couple of tassels short of a sporran, doesn't have a clue what artificial insemination is but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet explains that when they are pregnant they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down and wallow in grass.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out to the woods, sleeps with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing about, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, makes love with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. "Try again", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive out to the woods. He spends all day making love to the sheep, and upon returning home, falls straight into bed.

The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window, he's so tired. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No", she says, "They're all in the Land Rover - and one of them is beeping the horn."
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around
the world so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA
from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that
for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if
this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun
what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND
to see if SCOTS had the same phone.

He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line
to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so
cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son -
it's a local call".
A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

"Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager.

"The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young man.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

"So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy.

"just the wan"

The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for?

"£101,237.64" said the lad.

The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun'
fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat.

We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......."

The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a
four-by-four ... "

"Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's humped, ye might as well go fishing..."'
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Wullie had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
A Scotsman walks into a London pub and asks in his proud Scots brogue for a whisky. On hearing this request 3 resident English fvdds set about noising up their visitor from the North. All three agree that the Jocks always took the bait and were easy prey.
The first English knob sits beside the Scotsman and announces for all the pub to hear that "See your St. Andrew - He was a poofter by the way!"
On hearing this the Scotsman coolly replies "Is that so - I didn't know that".
Determined, the second Morris dancer, decides to try his luck. "See your St. Andrew, he svcks men off for money!"
Again the Scotsman coolly states that "He didn't realise that this was the case"
The 3rd shandy drinker says to his friends that they have approached it all wrong and that he would definitely get the desired reaction from the Scotsman.
He saddles up and states "See your St. Andrew - He was an Englishman by the way"
To which the Scotsman replies " yer mates were tellin me!"
List of Short Scottish Jokes
  • How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate?
    10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth.
  • Caller to BT Directory Enquiries: "I want a knitwear company in Woven"
    Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?
    Caller: "Yes, That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."
  • Little boy called Jamie asked father, called Wallace, "what will my name be when I grow up?"
    Father said "Jamie of course". Little Jamie said "do you mean to say I will have a little boy's name when I'm a grown up man?"
  • rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.
  • Lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement. An American visitor asked what was the purpose of the audible sound. On being told it was for blind people said, 'Oh, we don't let them drive in America' !!
  • The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."
  • "In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."
  • McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"
  • McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".
  • You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."
  • Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?
  • After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
  • As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
    " Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
    " I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
    " Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
    " Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."
  • Scotsmen hate to see waste, no matter where it is. So when Jock saw the Niagara Falls for the first time he said it was a waste of water - and a plumber in Dundee could fix them in half an hour.
  • A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"
  • Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
  • When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound, one elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, even in a community where frugal folk are common, was still unhappy.
    " It's all dam' foolishness," he declared. "Now we've got to walk to town six times instead of four times to save a pound!"
  • Did you hear about the Scotsman who got caught making nuisance telephone calls? He kept reversing the charges.
  • A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.
  • McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.
  • McTavish took his girlfriend out for the evening. They returned to her flat just before midnight and as she kissed him goodnight she said: "Be careful on your way home. I'd hate anyone to rob you of all the money you've saved this evening."
  • By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket."
  • "Sandy suggested a candlelit dinner last night" Jessie reported to her friend the next day. "That was dead romantic" said her friend. "Not really. It just saved him having to fix the fuse."
  • Jock asked the bus conductor how much it would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor. Jock thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". Jock ran after the bus for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" The conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!"
  • MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."
  • A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"
  • It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.
  • There was understandable scepticism when it was suggested that Napoleon Bonaparte was the grandson of a Scot from Balloch. But now it has been pointed out that there is further proof that Napoleon was indeed Scots - his hand was always under his lapel, to make sure no-one had lifted his wallet...
  • An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
    " Man," scoffed the Scot,
    " hiv ye nae ambeetion?"
  • In the "old days" Clan MacKay went raiding one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's gaen ta eat a' that bread?"
  • Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."
  • Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely."
  • An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.
  • An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
  • Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
  • Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
  • Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.
  • Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."
  • A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."
  • A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."
  • Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.
The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."

* * *

"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

* * *McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".

* * *

McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"

* * *

How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate?
10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth.

* * *

Caller to BT Directory Enquiries: "I want a knitwear company in Woven"
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: "Yes, That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."

* * *Judge -" It seems to me that I've seen you before."
MacDonald - " You have, your Honor; I gave your daughter bagpiping lessons."
Judge -" Thirty years."

* * *

This fellow went to a Scottish doctor and said. " Doctor, I've got a very poor memory. What do you advise ? "
" Well, " said the Doc, " for a start you can pay me in advance."

* * *

Sandy was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice."
" Hold on a moment, " said Sandy with great gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

* * *

An Englishman was being tried for being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had bought the whisky.
" But I didn't buy it, Your Honor," said the Englishman. " A Scotsman gave it to me."
"Fourteen days for perjury." said the judge.
Scottish Weather

40 degrees-Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees-Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees-Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees-Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming.

Zero degrees-New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero-People in Miami cease to exist.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero-Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

80 degrees below zero-Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.

100 degrees below zero-Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.

173 degrees below zero-Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

297 degrees below zero-Microbial life start to disappear.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero-ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

500 degrees below zero-Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in World Cup!!!!


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